How to actually find people

The honest starting point: this takes longer than people expect, and the delay is almost always at the beginning. Once you know a few people, it accelerates considerably.

1. Lifestyle platforms

Dedicated platforms are where the overwhelming majority of couples start, and for good reason — everyone there has already declared their interest, which removes the hardest part of the problem.

What to expect: a lot of messages if you have a female partner in the profile, very few if you do not, and a low conversion rate from message to meeting. That is normal. Most conversations go nowhere and it is not a reflection on you.

The profile is the whole game here, and most couples write a bad one. We cover that in writing a couple's profile.

2. Socials and meet-and-greets

These are ordinary social events — a bar, a restaurant, a private room — where everyone present is in the lifestyle and nothing happens beyond conversation. They are the single most underused route by newcomers and the one most experienced couples recommend.

The advantage is that meeting eight couples in an evening does in three hours what messaging does in three weeks. More in what to expect at a meet-and-greet.

3. Clubs and on-premise venues

Going to a venue works, but as a first step it is a steep introduction. The room moves faster than a social does, and newcomers frequently find themselves making decisions in an environment designed for people who already know what they want.

The better use of a venue early on is reconnaissance: go, have a drink, look at the room, leave. That is a completely normal evening and nobody will think anything of it.

4. Travel and events

Lifestyle cruises, takeovers and resorts compress a great deal into a short period. They are an efficient way to meet many people and a poor way to have a first experience, for the reasons covered in our travel guide.

The exception is a convention weekend in a city you can drive home from. That gives the density of an event with the escape route of a normal night out.

What does not work

• Mainstream dating apps. Most prohibit couple profiles and the response rate is poor. It also wastes the time of people who are not looking for this.
• Hinting to friends. This goes wrong more often than it works and cannot be undone.
• Approaching strangers in ordinary bars. A bad idea for obvious reasons.
• Symbol-spotting. Covered elsewhere; it does not work.

A realistic timeline

For most couples: a fortnight to write a decent profile and get comfortable with the platform; a month or so of conversations; a first coffee or drink around six to ten weeks in; a first social somewhere between two and four months. Couples who attend socials early usually shorten that considerably.