Meet-and-greets and socials

The meet-and-greet — sometimes a “munch”, sometimes just “the social” — is the most underused route into the lifestyle by newcomers and the one most experienced couples recommend first.

What it actually is

A group of lifestyle people meeting in an ordinary venue — a bar, a restaurant's private room, occasionally a hotel lounge. Everyone is dressed. Nothing sexual happens. Nothing is expected to happen afterwards.

The point is that everyone in the room has already declared their interest, so the awkward part is over before you arrive. What remains is a normal social evening.

Why it beats messaging

In three hours you can have real conversations with six or eight couples. Online, that takes weeks and most of it never reaches a conversation at all. You also learn things in person that a profile cannot convey — how a couple treat each other, whether both are engaged, whether they are people you would want to spend an evening with.

Practical details

• Dress: smart casual, as you would for a nice bar. These are not dress-code events.
• Arrive early. Walking into a half-full room is far easier than a full one.
• Bring cash if there is a door fee, and expect to buy your own drinks.
• Stay for a while. Two hours is a reasonable commitment; leaving after twenty minutes is noticed.
• Phones away. The same rule as anywhere else in the scene.

What to talk about

Ordinary things. Work, travel, where you live, how the venue is. The most common surprise for first-timers is how little of the conversation is about sex.

If you are new, say so. It is the single most useful thing you can say at one of these, because it tells people how to talk to you and most will make an effort.

What not to do

• Do not proposition anyone. That is not what this is for, and doing it marks you immediately.
• Do not talk only to one couple all evening. Circulate; that is the purpose.
• Do not talk about someone who is not there.
• Do not photograph anything, including the room.
• Do not drink heavily. It is a social, not a night out.

Afterwards

Nothing has to happen. Most people go home. Some exchange contact details and message during the week. A small number arrange something later. All three outcomes are completely normal and none of them is a verdict on the evening.