Non-monogamy
The styles of polyamory
The vocabulary looks intimidating and describes something simple: how much the different relationships in someone's life overlap, and whether any of them outranks the others.
Two questions produce almost all of the terminology. Does one relationship take priority over others? And how much do the people involved interact with each other?
Hierarchy: does one relationship come first?
Hierarchical polyamory designates one relationship as primary — usually a long partnership, often involving shared finances, housing or children — with others described as secondary. It is the most common arrangement among couples who opened an existing relationship.
Non-hierarchical polyamory rejects that ranking by design. Relationships are allowed to find their own weight rather than being assigned one in advance. Harder to run, and for many people the entire point.
The criticism of hierarchy is that it can be used to promise someone a place while guaranteeing they never get one. The criticism of non-hierarchy is that practical entanglements create a hierarchy whether or not anyone admits it. Both criticisms have force.
Overlap: how much does everyone interact?
| Style | What it looks like |
|---|---|
| Kitchen table | Everyone knows each other and could comfortably share a meal. Named for exactly that image. |
| Parallel | Relationships run separately. Partners know of each other but do not socialise. |
| Garden party | In between — people meet occasionally and get on, without being close. |
| Don't ask, don't tell | No knowledge at all. Widely considered to sit outside polyamory, since consent requires information. |
None of these is more advanced than another. Kitchen table suits people who want a community; parallel suits people who want their relationships to be their own.
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Free to join · Adults 18+ · Affiliate link — we may earn a commissionThe other terms you will meet
- Solo polyamory. Multiple relationships without a primary partner or shared household. Autonomy is the organising principle rather than a stage before settling down.
- Polyfidelity. A closed group — often a triad or quad — exclusive to itself. Non-monogamous in structure, exclusive in practice.
- Relationship anarchy. Rejects ranking relationships by type at all, romantic or otherwise. Covered in its own guide.
- Mono-poly. One partner is polyamorous and the other monogamous, by genuine agreement rather than resignation.
Which one are you?
Most people do not choose a style from a list. They start somewhere — usually hierarchical, because that is where an existing couple begins — and discover over a year or two what actually suits them.
The labels are more useful for explaining yourself to someone new than for planning. Saying “we practise parallel polyamory and I have a primary partner” conveys in one sentence what would otherwise take twenty minutes.
If a term is being used to justify something that feels wrong to someone involved, the term is not the issue. Every one of these styles works when everyone consented to it knowing what it meant.
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Free to join · Adults 18+ · Affiliate link — we may earn a commissionCommon questions
What is hierarchical polyamory?
An arrangement where one relationship is designated primary, usually a long partnership with shared finances or children, and others are described as secondary.
What is kitchen table polyamory?
A style where everyone in the network knows each other well enough to comfortably share a meal. The opposite is parallel polyamory, where relationships run separately.
Is one type better than another?
No. They suit different people, and most arrive at theirs by experience rather than by choosing from a list.
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Last updated: July 2026