The legal questions couples ask

The activity itself

Private, consensual sexual activity between adults is legal throughout the United States. Historic laws criminalising various private sexual conduct between adults were struck down in the early 2000s, and consensual non-monogamy is not itself unlawful anywhere in the country.

What remains regulated is largely about public conduct, commercial premises and — in a small number of places — cohabitation and bigamy statutes that apply to marriage rather than to relationships.

Venues: where the complexity actually is

This is why so many US lifestyle venues operate as private membership clubs. The combination of adult-entertainment licensing, zoning rules, public-indecency statutes and alcohol regulation makes a publicly accessible venue difficult in most jurisdictions.

Private membership sidesteps a good deal of that, which is also why so many clubs are bring-your-own rather than licensed: holding a liquor licence brings a set of conduct and inspection requirements that sit awkwardly with the business. Our state overviews cover the general pattern in each state.

Practical rules worth knowing

• Public indecency laws are real and are enforced. A private club is private; a car park is not.
• Filming requires consent from everyone involved, and recording people without it can be a criminal matter as well as a civil one.
• Sharing intimate images without consent is unlawful in the large majority of US states and in many other countries.
• Alcohol rules vary enormously by state and county, including counties that remain dry.
• Age verification is not optional for venues, and everyone present must be an adult without exception.

Travelling abroad

This is where couples most often get it wrong, because assumptions from home do not travel. Laws on public nudity, sexual conduct and even relationship structures vary enormously, and in some countries the penalties are severe.

Resort properties in destinations like Mexico and parts of the Caribbean often operate under rules that apply on the property and nowhere else. Behaviour that is unremarkable inside the gate can be a criminal matter outside it, and a resort's tolerance is not a legal defence.

Employment and family law

Two areas cause real-world problems more often than criminal law does.

The first is employment. Private-sector employment in much of the US is at-will, and some professions — teaching, law enforcement, roles requiring security clearance — apply conduct standards that go well beyond legality. That is the practical reason discretion norms are so strong in metros like Washington and Norfolk.

The second is family law. In contested custody proceedings, a parent's private life can be raised, and how much weight it carries varies considerably by jurisdiction and by judge. Couples with children involved in family proceedings should take specific advice rather than general reassurance.